


A Little Bit

by theperaltasantiagos



Category: Brooklyn Nine-Nine (TV)
Genre: Angst, F/M, Its more like, Longing, One Shot, Pining, but its her, having come to terms with liking jake but not doing anything about it, i cant really remember, i mean its not angst, this is a while before the road trip, when Amy starts complaining about the pilsners
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-07-15
Updated: 2018-07-15
Packaged: 2019-06-11 00:11:12
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,250
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15303150
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/theperaltasantiagos/pseuds/theperaltasantiagos
Summary: The conflicting nature of their relationship was that, she'd convinced herself. That she couldn’t ever stop thinking about it was jealousy, ambition. Drive…He, of course, wrapped his hands around this concept and tore it to pieces as soon as he up and went to some stupid undercover operation for the stupid FBI, leaving her stupid feelings a mess.





	A Little Bit

She had a thing for Jake Peralta.  
After years of trying to shape the narrative in a way that left her unbothered by his boyish charm and dumb jokes, she'd finally admitted it to herself. She wasn’t all that surprised once she did— she’d always wondered why she never truly disliked him, even when all he did was annoy her. She’d hypothesised it was snarky appreciation, finally having a rival that forced her to push herself further. Ever since they met, she could tell how much wittier and smarter, swifter and stronger she’d gotten. Resenting him was what got her to work harder, thus she did so a little less. The conflicting nature of their relationship was that, she'd convinced herself. That she couldn’t ever stop thinking about it was jealousy, ambition. Drive…  
He, of course, wrapped his hands around this concept and tore it to pieces as soon as he up and went to some stupid undercover operation for the stupid FBI, leaving her stupid feelings a mess.  
Crushing on him wasn’t fun. She’d always thought he was messy and frustrating, but never imagined it could rub off on her this bad, on so many different levels. It was pervasive where it used to be entertaining, intoxicating where she used to be able to laugh it off. She longed for the days they were partners-turned-friends, when they could talk for hours without double checking everything she thought to say. Being friends with him, that was fun. Running around, trying to one up him, making fun of the stupid things he'd spend money on, envying his relationship with Holt, seeing the truth of his teases. True, that'd shifted once Teddy came into picture. She began to sense some strange strain that hadn’t been there before, catching longing glances, waiting for a joke that got stuck in his throat. She'd stay up sometimes, thinking about what all that meant, going over all the information she had on Jake before Teddy and Jake after Teddy, contrasting their reactions to the same throw away comments. She’d fall asleep after and only after having found enough similarities to restore the ease and comfort of the status quo. She'd probably known it wasn’t sustainable but, at least back then, she'd preferred to play pretend.  
She was glad it was finally out of the way, though. Her true love was figuring things out, deciphering them. She processed by going through mental and physical clutter, and Jake was the mountain of clothes that were neither clean nor dirty that you tossed onto a chair. She knew she had to get to it eventually, but insisted on working around him. Items accumulated and sooner or later fell all over the place, prompted by some tiny little throwaway line he would almost whisper. He retrieved back to a Jake she knew how to categorize before she even noticed what had changed, therefore restoring the pile, now hungrier and angrier, back to the ever-present back burner.  
Then, out of the blue, he said ‘To hell with it!’ and catapulted it to first page. Suddenly she understood what it was that she felt when Jake, poofy haired after working a long night, chuckled to himself and looked up at her to show some funny picture he found during one of the five second breaks he took every ten minutes or so. Suddenly it was crystal clear why she was both annoyed and taken by him, both wanted him to stop and keep going. Suddenly, she knew that losing all patience and interest in Teddy's quirks meant she was a jerk.  
It was fine, though. She was the boss of sensible break-ups. She knew it had to happen between eight months and a year since they got together, neither turning their relationship into a failure nor giving him hopes for the future. She knew to do it in the least romantic place possible to make it clear there was no coming back. She knew to quit putting off outlining a speech, even if she dreaded the task of unfolding a cordial narrative that touched on his inability to conjure one interesting conversation topic but didn't focus on it; even if the reason she couldn’t concentrate on non-boring words that could be used when describing Teddy was she couldn’t ever stop thinking of Sophia.  
Amy was over the phase of her life where she hated girls that were in relationships with the guys she crushed on. She’d long learned to be a healthier, better functioning human. A person that didn't idealize her crushes, who knew that men weren't always perfect and women bitches. She stopped calling them manipulating or kniving and started seeing them for what they were: pretty awesome. Sophia was pretty awesome. Amy could respect the hell out of an ambitious self made woman of color that worked harder than anyone else. Moreover, Sophia was silly, intelligent and fun. She was everything Jake deserved. So they were friendly, so she flirted a lot less with Jake, so she convinced herself she was content with Teddy for longer. And sure, it still stung whenever she heard of her or saw them together, but by that point she was a pro at concealing her feelings. Jake didn’t have a clue and they were all the better for it.  
She kept a calm and collected, happy with the road I’m treading image by imitating what she knew Regular Amy would do, albeit feeling increasingly like Miserable, Frantic Amy. Her usual efforts at keeping that version hidden away— pulling at her anxieties and unloading them with logic— didn’t work anymore. One day, her internal cabinets were perfectly organized, then boom! Old tucked away files, with sections she never knew were there highlighted, found open all over the floor. Their weight was what changed the way she stood, the way she acted. And much to her dismay, Teddy figured out almost perfectly what had her overwhelmed right as she had. No matter the force she used to push them down, they resurfaced more and more furiously. Accepting the hard fought truth and its consequences was inevitable. She had a thing for Jake Peralta.  
Now, Amy Santiago sat at her desk, dreading every minute that got her closer to the end of her shift, closer to dinner with her soon-to-be ex-boyfriend and farther from the precinct. She checked to see whether her mother replied to the email she’d sent the night before. She chipped at her torn up nails, thinking about getting a manicure sometime that week. She inspected some of her open cases, hoping to find that missing piece that would hand the solve to her, quickly got frustrated when that didn’t pan out and looked over her shoulder for the possibility that Captain Holt was about to ask her to his office and give her some much needed guidance.  
If we're being honest, though, she wasn’t doing any of that. She was waiting for Jacob Peralta to get back and give her a little something more to examine as a way to understand herself better, to think about before giving away to sleep. Restless, she looked at her computer screen, collected thoughts on why her relationship wouldn’t work and stared at an empty doc she couldn’t start because it would read ‘Jake, it’s his fault. Also, the pilsners’. She tapped her pen, undid her ponytail, moved on a whisper at a time and maybe, a little bit, once in a while, glanced at the elevator.

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you so much for reading this! I worked really hard on this, took me about a month? I think. Special thanks to sadtiagos and phxntom-pain for proof reading this a bunch of times. Hopefully I'll have something else up soonish.


End file.
